Sunday, September 26, 2010

Where will I be without my Shadow?

My Shadow is fading. She's not eating much and she's in a lot of pain. It seems to be radiating from everywhere. Is this old age? Is 14 years enough for her? She is, after all, 98 in human years (14x7=98). Actually, she may be well over 100 since she is 14 and a half, give or take a little. Today, as we strolled very, very slowly down the street, she stopped many times and looked at things, as if to be taking it all in... possibly saying good-bye to it all. She's actually been doing that for months. Just pausing and breathing in life. I've been trying to encourage her to do this for years and years but just recently she's slowed down enough to "smell the roses". She always used to be in such a hurry. Now, we are drinking things in very slowly. I'm no longer a sled to this self-imposed sled dog, we walk side by side. Slowly.

Am I ready to let her go? What will my life be like without her? My eyes are filling with tears as I write this... and I can't be sure I'll be okay. When Shadow decides to make her exit, it will be the first time, ever, that I'll be pet-less (and childless, husband/partner-less). I've always had someone fuzzy, furry, feathery, scale-y, slimy, to take care of and to keep me company. It was Feb '09 that my 18 yo cat walked the ethereal path out of his body. His was the oddest passing because his final year greatly resembled the last year of my father's life. They both had some very similar behavior and personality traits. THAT was a trip!

I was telling a friend yesterday that I'm okay with detaching. Letting them go on their path. But I'm full of shit. Sorta. I AM okay with and WANT them to follow their path but sometimes it's so hard to be okay with it. By "okay" I mean going about life without falling apart with grief. It's been 6 years since my father died, four years since my mother died, one and a half since my cat, Charlie, died, and damn it if each death doesn't make me re-visit all the past ones. Actually it goes back further... 15 years since my dog, Pepper, died, 7 years since Sissy- Charlie's sister- died. Before that was my first pair of cats, Sniffles and Tabby, Zappa, my first black lab (she didn't die with me, but I had to let her go-gave her up), Nappy (short for Napoleon) who I also had to give up since he kept shitting in my dad's shoes (a funny story, actually!), a long and countless list of birds, turtles, fish, mice, and other critters, mix in a few key relationships that have "died" and the load is getting heavy. Oh... wow. I guess that's something I didn't realize until now... that I've been "holding on", "carrying" these events rather than letting them go. Hmm... There is a guilt involved with most of them. I have either felt that I didn't do right by them, or I didn't protect them from whatever, or well, in short, I suppose I've felt guilty for not being perfect. Wow... that's quite an awareness for me. (See, this is why writing this stuff out is so good for me- I get to figure shit out!!)

Why do I feel like I have to be perfect? Well... I won't write about this here, now, but it's absolutely worthy of exploration and I have a few ideas.

In the meantime, my day is spent coaxing my dog to eat something, to move (we have managed to go for a walk yesterday and today) and carrying her up and down the stairs. It's quite a feat, considering that she's over 50 pounds and squirms from the discomfort of being carried and from the pain. I think she appreciates it tho. She wags her tail when I ask her if she wants me to carry her. I'm happy to do what I can. I love her. ❤

I have the contractor coming out tomorrow to talk about building a ramp for her but I'm not sure she'll even use it. I think we'll just see what tomorrow brings. In the mean time, I have some letting go to do.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Win-win... Yay!!

A lot of things have happened in the last week or two. Many changes. Most internal. It's pretty cool.

I'm gaining a better perspective of myself and treating myself better. I took myself to the movies on Sunday. I haven't done that, or anything considered "fun" or entertainment for a very long time. So this was good. And I wasn't wigged out to be alone in the theater. I've done it before (like about 17 years ago—AND at the same theater) but that was to thwart the sting of my 5 yo leaving to visit his father for the weekend after our divorce. I was reeling so bad from not having my son with me (and in the charge of his absent minded, albeit well-intentioned father) that at the time that I didn't even notice how I might have felt awkward sitting by myself. Anyway, the movie Sunday was fun. I enjoyed it. And I intend to take myself out more often!

Also, I'm pretty pleased with myself for defusing what could have been a "hostile" situation today. My landscaper, actually one of the owners, came over today and as he put it, we always seem to butt heads. I never felt like I was being difficult but saw from the first time we met that he and his partner have treated me as tho they expect the worst and therefore I guess I rubbed them the wrong way. I know it wasn't anything in particular that I said, to either of them. And this isn't sidestepping any ownership in any contention we may have engaged in. I see two men, with some fairly large egos that have taken a few of my questions or comments personally and then got defensive. And I see myself, a homeowner with some ideas of her own that may have made them feel challenged. I posed a question at the first meeting with one owner about the cost. He had given me a quote and time frame for some clean up the week before but one of the workers that arrived earlier than he did that morning told me he thought it would take MUCH longer and I was concerned if this might affect the cost/quote. So I asked him and he was clearly offended that I might be questioning his word and he responded with both a defensive remark and body language. I told him I was just concerned based on what the worker said but it didn't seem to matter. He had already been offended. Then once, with the other owner, I requested that for safety reasons (of my own) I wanted a particularly shaped and large sized rock to moved to a different location. It wasn't a big rock or a big deal. It was too heavy for me to move but not for a strong man. This owner happened to have placed that rock there and seemed to think it was fine there. I was adamant about it because I knew that it posed a tripping hazard and asked again, giving my reasons. It was odd because I literally saw him revert into a little boy that was (or thought he was) being scolded and didn't want to do the different thing. Anyway, I think from that incident, he too, formed the opinion that I was difficult to get along with.

So today, I was pleased with myself for not taking anything personal, for being able to remain calm, ground myself, allow the owner to talk without feeling the need to interject, and then to calmly talk to him about the issue. He ended up confessing that he was stressed from a number of things at the office (the business is growing beyond their means of being able to manage it properly) and some frustration and guilt for not addressing the issues I needed taken care of. It was over three months ago that I've emailed them and they forgot me. And it wasn't the first time. Anyway, within a few short minutes, what looked like a runaway train had shifted into sharing and softening and then afterward he offered me a hug!


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...

I don't like how the days seem to blend together.

Since I haven't worked for quite a while now, every day seems like the next. Nothing special about Friday or Sunday or Humpday. I noticed this a while ago and decided to make some changes in my perception. But change has been slow and sometimes frustrating. I'm trying to get myself prepared for working again, too, which is part of this.

The fact that my hip has been giving me troubles (being out of joint and very painful) for over 5 weeks, was a big excuse why I couldn't do many things, like paint the bathroom. I couldn't do anything that flexed my left hip joint without pain. In order to get it back into place I had to minimize what I did that inflamed the joint (using it at all) so the chiropractor could get it in place. The first time we attempted that, it was just WAY TOO painful. So we waited a week. Then another. There were adjustments made in the meantime that helped and massages and other things that provided some relief but ultimately, I still had to lay around. Walking was even hard to do. I really began to notice people with limps, crutches, wheel chairs and anyone who had to "work" at the simple act of walking. I also saw those that easily strolled down the street and I envied them. I wanted that back. I knew I'd get it eventually and it caused me to have a great deal of compassion for those that won't.

Week four, got it into place and then I did something I thought would help the healing process but instead, it popped that sucker right back out. Square one again. Ugh. But this is all in the past and I'm feeling much better now. Got it popped back into place last Tues (week 5) so it's been in place for less than a week. It's still very sore but I can feel the difference between the pressure and pain of the femur (leg bone) being out of place and now the soreness of it having been out of place for 5 weeks.

So I've got most of my mobility back and the days of the week are blending too well. I attempted to get started on the painting project but found myself procrastinating. Realized that part of why was because today is Sunday. I want to be treating today like a Sunday. Not a workday. I did get my tools and some things ready and re-glued a patch of molding that had come unstuck but decided that the task of work is meant for tomorrow. Monday. Is that another excuse?? I say no.

In my preparations for a work schedule, the choices are mine. At my work, my business, I choose to work 4 days a week. Monday through Thursday, 9a-5p. I choose to have 3 day weekends, take regular vacations and... I cringe as I write this. I feel judgment reigning. I hear my mother's voice saying that I'm spoiled, I want everything and that I can't have everything. I hear my brother's voice telling me the same things but adding that I'm lazy for not wanting to work 10-12 hour days, 7-8 days a week. I even hear myself questioning how I can make a success of myself by only working part-time. I think it all depends on what "success" means to me.

Success means to me... being able to help others—make a positive difference, enjoying what I do, being excited to get up in the morning to be of service, doing it well, and earning enough money to; easily pay the bills, grow my savings and stock portfolios, pay for continued education and to take my time off without shame, worry, guilt or regret. Wow. Defining that was MUCH easier than I thought it would be!! lol... Okay then. Problem solved. Now all I need to do is manifest the confidence to manifest all this! hahaa... I joke but I think it really is there.

So, Sunday evening, here I come. And Monday morning will be the beginning of a new era. A new way of seeing things. Yay!!

Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling...

For about a week now I've been hearing a ding-a-ling sound, like a little bell. I hear it in my back yard. It "dingles" softly and sounds much like a little tiny dinner bell. It rings often and at great lengths of time. And then there are many moments of silence. It has been quite irritating, especially when I want to just sit out on my back deck (as I am now) in peace, or in my sacred circle (in my yard) to meditate.

I'd be in my back yard, or even in my kitchen and through the window I'd hear it sound. I began looking everywhere, sending a keen ear and eye through the cracks of my neighbors fences hoping to find the source. Expecting it to be around the neck of a pet dog that was eagerly exploring his yard. Or maybe a new collar, for a neighbor's cat, with a bell to warn nearby birds of it's approaching. But I saw nothing.

A few days ago I was walking my dog when across the street a young gal was walking her little dog. One I haven't seen before and low and behold, it had a bell on it's collar that sounded just like this sound I've been hearing. I thought, "Ah-ha! There's the source of the bell!!" I thought that just knowing where it came from would be comforting. lol...

As a few more days passed, I realized that the little dog couldn't be the source, unless he was constantly running around and around in his yard. He would have been exhausted for as long as the bell dingled. And then I saw it. Just barely moving. A wind chime. My neighbor directly behind me. A neighbor of a growing list of mild irritants. But that's a whole other story.

So this bell, I mean, chime. I contemplated sneaking over the fence and removing it (hahaa... not really). I thought, should I ask my neighbors to move their chime to the other side of the house so it won't disturb my peaceful surroundings. That all sounded so selfish and uncompromising. But how could I tolerate this "noise"??

Then I realized this morning, as it dingled and grated against my nerves, that it was actually serving me a purpose. It was causing me to be acutely aware of sensory triggers around me. Then I remembered the line from "It's a Wonderful Life", "Every time a bell rings, an Angel gets it's wings". Perhaps this so-called irritating bell was a message, a signal to me from the other side to wake up, to be aware to what they are trying to tell me or get me to hear.

I remembered that my perspective is all that needs to change in order for seemingly unbearable situations to be righted. And that my resistance only made it worse. For me. I also remembered that when things or situations are upsetting or irritants, they happen for a reason. They are there to trigger awareness. Awareness in self... about self.

I've been asking for help regarding "hearing" and "understanding" those from the spirit side, and I accept this just as that.

With much thanks and gratitude, what once sounded irritating now sounds like music. ❤

Monday, September 6, 2010

It's always been the Big Guy!!!

Here's what I really wanted to post about today (but the mom thing popped up and I just had to get that off my chest first).

There was a few lines that popped out at me from the book I was reading last night (Matrix Energetics by Richard Bartlett).

"When you really know, and not just believe that you deserve it, you can have it."

I love this sentence. If you understand what Matrix Energetics is about, this is key. But it's also key in life, in general. Believe vs know. Fine line you might say but I think it's huge.

"... either do, or do not, there is no try."

Another biggie. Like jumping in with both feet. Or Nike's, "Just Do It". No toe dipping, no hair splitting, just do, or do not.

And this next one was the most profound for me. It may not mean much to anyone else but for me it spoke volumes. LOUD volumes. I believe, no wait, that's I KNOW it unhinged a massive door and flung it across and out of the way. It freed me.

"A statement of Jesus comes to mind, who is for me the most powerful archetype for the miracle mind-set. 'I CAN OF MINE OWN SELF DO NOTHING.' Ditto. I'm a perfectly imperfect vessel. God is the healer."

YAY!! I no longer have to be self-conscious about what "I" am doing or if "I" do my sessions well or right or good enough. I've had enough feedback to know that what I do "feels good" and is right that way. I have enough (or maybe more than my share) of ethical standards to know that in THAT way I'm doing stuff right. And I know when I am being led by Spirit (aka God) to do this or that and I trust that part. It was the "healing" part I doubted that I was doing right. But this was an in my face and out loud reminder that it's not me, it's never been ME. It's God and I have total faith and trust in the BIG Guy. He guides me, I do my best to listen, hear and follow, and he does the rest. Whoohoo!!! Piece-o-cake!!!

And I since I also believe that there are no accidents, the fact that I was prompted to post my previous post about moms... and mine, was just as profound and well timed as reading what I read last night. A lifetime of doubt I've had about my self-worth, my progress, my every step forward—fearing that I'll be reprimanded for it being the wrong move, the wrong decision, the wrong direction... even when it's only me in the room...

There was another quote from this book on these two pages I've referred to in this post. It read, simply, "Let go."

Okay. ♥

This was posted by a friend on Facebook:

My mom has made me laugh... wiped my tears... hugged me tight... watched me succeed... seen me fail... cheered me on and kept me strong! Moms are a promise from God that you will have a friend forever!!!! Put this on your status if you love your mom, whether she's here with you or in heaven. ♥

This is how I feel about that:

Not all moms are promises nor friends.

My mom resented my presence and that caused me to doubt my worth. She rarely, if ever, smiled at me, taught me to cry and to punish myself. I can't recall ever getting a hug from her (seriously). She criticized me whether I "succeeded" or failed and almost always made me regret ever sharing my thoughts or feelings with her.

Despite all this (and SOooo much more), I loved her. I've had to look past all this and see that I wasn't the reason for how she behaved toward me. It was her crap. Nonetheless, it still hurt and deeply affected me. A lifetime of undoing the twisted-ness.

I'm very happy for every person in the world who did/does have a loving and caring mom. And I have to admit that even tho my mom, by her own definition "wasn't demonstrative" of her love for me, I also knew that she actually did love and care. But it was a far cry from nurturing or supportive.

God bless all the moms who can show their love and support in a kind and nurturing way. And God, please bless those who can't/couldn't. ♥