Last post...

This is my last post on this site. I've decided that I have too many journals to try to keep up with.

I have one on Live Journal that I've had for years but wasn't using too much and then was inspired to start one here but between the two and my two writing journals I've decided this one is unnecessary.

If anyone is interested in following me on the other one, let me know and I'll give you the link.

((hugs))

Judgments...

Lately I've been watching Judge Judy in the afternoons. It used to grate my nerves just listening to it for a few seconds before I could switch the channel or turn off the set but I decided that since it irritated me so, I should examine it closer. (I've been made aware that when things irritate us, those are the things we ought to put in front to look at, rather than avoid because that irritation holds clues to unresolved issues within us.)

So I have been watching the show. I think what irritated me was the judge's irritation and lack of patience but after looking at it closer, I see why she's irritated and short on patience. I'm amazed at the number of people that try their damnedest to avoid being accountable or responsible. Some are just so wound up and self centered that reasoning with them is out of the question. Others create their own "laws" without trying to learn or accept the established ones. But mostly, I think it's the amount of effort that these individuals make to AVOID owning up to their responsibility that is most infuriating to the judge. And she deals with it every day. Many times a day.

I've come to respect her. I've also watched other judge shows to compare. I think she is usually the most authentic and takes the least amount of crap AND offers the most sound judgments with the clearest and most balanced presentation. Others won't even hear the defendants. She listens to all sides without making snap judgments and then renders a sound and fair assessment.

In examining this irritation, I've learned a number of things about myself and others. Each encounter should be a clean slate. Each party is responsible for their own. And I've learned to respect my own inner judge. It's okay to judge when I'm doing it solely as a tool to measure what is good for me and not good for me, but not to judge what others should do for themselves. If we all just held ourselves accountable, if we all held ourselves up to a level of integrity that we'd be proud of, then others might take that example and see that we won't stand for less.

I am so frustrated with the political bashing on TV. We are being bombarded heavily with subliminal messages and childish finger pointing. I wish politicians would do grow up and act with integrity and accountability. But all too often they are trying their damnedest to get away with whatever they can too.

If we all understood that there isn't anything that we "get away with" because the ultimate judge never misses a thing we do, say or even just think!

Where will I be without my Shadow?

My Shadow is fading. She's not eating much and she's in a lot of pain. It seems to be radiating from everywhere. Is this old age? Is 14 years enough for her? She is, after all, 98 in human years (14x7=98). Actually, she may be well over 100 since she is 14 and a half, give or take a little. Today, as we strolled very, very slowly down the street, she stopped many times and looked at things, as if to be taking it all in... possibly saying good-bye to it all. She's actually been doing that for months. Just pausing and breathing in life. I've been trying to encourage her to do this for years and years but just recently she's slowed down enough to "smell the roses". She always used to be in such a hurry. Now, we are drinking things in very slowly. I'm no longer a sled to this self-imposed sled dog, we walk side by side. Slowly.

Am I ready to let her go? What will my life be like without her? My eyes are filling with tears as I write this... and I can't be sure I'll be okay. When Shadow decides to make her exit, it will be the first time, ever, that I'll be pet-less (and childless, husband/partner-less). I've always had someone fuzzy, furry, feathery, scale-y, slimy, to take care of and to keep me company. It was Feb '09 that my 18 yo cat walked the ethereal path out of his body. His was the oddest passing because his final year greatly resembled the last year of my father's life. They both had some very similar behavior and personality traits. THAT was a trip!

I was telling a friend yesterday that I'm okay with detaching. Letting them go on their path. But I'm full of shit. Sorta. I AM okay with and WANT them to follow their path but sometimes it's so hard to be okay with it. By "okay" I mean going about life without falling apart with grief. It's been 6 years since my father died, four years since my mother died, one and a half since my cat, Charlie, died, and damn it if each death doesn't make me re-visit all the past ones. Actually it goes back further... 15 years since my dog, Pepper, died, 7 years since Sissy- Charlie's sister- died. Before that was my first pair of cats, Sniffles and Tabby, Zappa, my first black lab (she didn't die with me, but I had to let her go-gave her up), Nappy (short for Napoleon) who I also had to give up since he kept shitting in my dad's shoes (a funny story, actually!), a long and countless list of birds, turtles, fish, mice, and other critters, mix in a few key relationships that have "died" and the load is getting heavy. Oh... wow. I guess that's something I didn't realize until now... that I've been "holding on", "carrying" these events rather than letting them go. Hmm... There is a guilt involved with most of them. I have either felt that I didn't do right by them, or I didn't protect them from whatever, or well, in short, I suppose I've felt guilty for not being perfect. Wow... that's quite an awareness for me. (See, this is why writing this stuff out is so good for me- I get to figure shit out!!)

Why do I feel like I have to be perfect? Well... I won't write about this here, now, but it's absolutely worthy of exploration and I have a few ideas.

In the meantime, my day is spent coaxing my dog to eat something, to move (we have managed to go for a walk yesterday and today) and carrying her up and down the stairs. It's quite a feat, considering that she's over 50 pounds and squirms from the discomfort of being carried and from the pain. I think she appreciates it tho. She wags her tail when I ask her if she wants me to carry her. I'm happy to do what I can. I love her. ❤

I have the contractor coming out tomorrow to talk about building a ramp for her but I'm not sure she'll even use it. I think we'll just see what tomorrow brings. In the mean time, I have some letting go to do.

Win-win... Yay!!

A lot of things have happened in the last week or two. Many changes. Most internal. It's pretty cool.

I'm gaining a better perspective of myself and treating myself better. I took myself to the movies on Sunday. I haven't done that, or anything considered "fun" or entertainment for a very long time. So this was good. And I wasn't wigged out to be alone in the theater. I've done it before (like about 17 years ago—AND at the same theater) but that was to thwart the sting of my 5 yo leaving to visit his father for the weekend after our divorce. I was reeling so bad from not having my son with me (and in the charge of his absent minded, albeit well-intentioned father) that at the time that I didn't even notice how I might have felt awkward sitting by myself. Anyway, the movie Sunday was fun. I enjoyed it. And I intend to take myself out more often!

Also, I'm pretty pleased with myself for defusing what could have been a "hostile" situation today. My landscaper, actually one of the owners, came over today and as he put it, we always seem to butt heads. I never felt like I was being difficult but saw from the first time we met that he and his partner have treated me as tho they expect the worst and therefore I guess I rubbed them the wrong way. I know it wasn't anything in particular that I said, to either of them. And this isn't sidestepping any ownership in any contention we may have engaged in. I see two men, with some fairly large egos that have taken a few of my questions or comments personally and then got defensive. And I see myself, a homeowner with some ideas of her own that may have made them feel challenged. I posed a question at the first meeting with one owner about the cost. He had given me a quote and time frame for some clean up the week before but one of the workers that arrived earlier than he did that morning told me he thought it would take MUCH longer and I was concerned if this might affect the cost/quote. So I asked him and he was clearly offended that I might be questioning his word and he responded with both a defensive remark and body language. I told him I was just concerned based on what the worker said but it didn't seem to matter. He had already been offended. Then once, with the other owner, I requested that for safety reasons (of my own) I wanted a particularly shaped and large sized rock to moved to a different location. It wasn't a big rock or a big deal. It was too heavy for me to move but not for a strong man. This owner happened to have placed that rock there and seemed to think it was fine there. I was adamant about it because I knew that it posed a tripping hazard and asked again, giving my reasons. It was odd because I literally saw him revert into a little boy that was (or thought he was) being scolded and didn't want to do the different thing. Anyway, I think from that incident, he too, formed the opinion that I was difficult to get along with.

So today, I was pleased with myself for not taking anything personal, for being able to remain calm, ground myself, allow the owner to talk without feeling the need to interject, and then to calmly talk to him about the issue. He ended up confessing that he was stressed from a number of things at the office (the business is growing beyond their means of being able to manage it properly) and some frustration and guilt for not addressing the issues I needed taken care of. It was over three months ago that I've emailed them and they forgot me. And it wasn't the first time. Anyway, within a few short minutes, what looked like a runaway train had shifted into sharing and softening and then afterward he offered me a hug!

Win-win!

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...

I don't like how the days seem to blend together.

Since I haven't worked for quite a while now, every day seems like the next. Nothing special about Friday or Sunday or Humpday. I noticed this a while ago and decided to make some changes in my perception. But change has been slow and sometimes frustrating. I'm trying to get myself prepared for working again, too, which is part of this.

The fact that my hip has been giving me troubles (being out of joint and very painful) for over 5 weeks, was a big excuse why I couldn't do many things, like paint the bathroom. I couldn't do anything that flexed my left hip joint without pain. In order to get it back into place I had to minimize what I did that inflamed the joint (using it at all) so the chiropractor could get it in place. The first time we attempted that, it was just WAY TOO painful. So we waited a week. Then another. There were adjustments made in the meantime that helped and massages and other things that provided some relief but ultimately, I still had to lay around. Walking was even hard to do. I really began to notice people with limps, crutches, wheel chairs and anyone who had to "work" at the simple act of walking. I also saw those that easily strolled down the street and I envied them. I wanted that back. I knew I'd get it eventually and it caused me to have a great deal of compassion for those that won't.

Week four, got it into place and then I did something I thought would help the healing process but instead, it popped that sucker right back out. Square one again. Ugh. But this is all in the past and I'm feeling much better now. Got it popped back into place last Tues (week 5) so it's been in place for less than a week. It's still very sore but I can feel the difference between the pressure and pain of the femur (leg bone) being out of place and now the soreness of it having been out of place for 5 weeks.

So I've got most of my mobility back and the days of the week are blending too well. I attempted to get started on the painting project but found myself procrastinating. Realized that part of why was because today is Sunday. I want to be treating today like a Sunday. Not a workday. I did get my tools and some things ready and re-glued a patch of molding that had come unstuck but decided that the task of work is meant for tomorrow. Monday. Is that another excuse?? I say no.

In my preparations for a work schedule, the choices are mine. At my work, my business, I choose to work 4 days a week. Monday through Thursday, 9a-5p. I choose to have 3 day weekends, take regular vacations and... I cringe as I write this. I feel judgment reigning. I hear my mother's voice saying that I'm spoiled, I want everything and that I can't have everything. I hear my brother's voice telling me the same things but adding that I'm lazy for not wanting to work 10-12 hour days, 7-8 days a week. I even hear myself questioning how I can make a success of myself by only working part-time. I think it all depends on what "success" means to me.

Success means to me... being able to help others—make a positive difference, enjoying what I do, being excited to get up in the morning to be of service, doing it well, and earning enough money to; easily pay the bills, grow my savings and stock portfolios, pay for continued education and to take my time off without shame, worry, guilt or regret. Wow. Defining that was MUCH easier than I thought it would be!! lol... Okay then. Problem solved. Now all I need to do is manifest the confidence to manifest all this! hahaa... I joke but I think it really is there.

So, Sunday evening, here I come. And Monday morning will be the beginning of a new era. A new way of seeing things. Yay!!

Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling...

For about a week now I've been hearing a ding-a-ling sound, like a little bell. I hear it in my back yard. It "dingles" softly and sounds much like a little tiny dinner bell. It rings often and at great lengths of time. And then there are many moments of silence. It has been quite irritating, especially when I want to just sit out on my back deck (as I am now) in peace, or in my sacred circle (in my yard) to meditate.

I'd be in my back yard, or even in my kitchen and through the window I'd hear it sound. I began looking everywhere, sending a keen ear and eye through the cracks of my neighbors fences hoping to find the source. Expecting it to be around the neck of a pet dog that was eagerly exploring his yard. Or maybe a new collar, for a neighbor's cat, with a bell to warn nearby birds of it's approaching. But I saw nothing.

A few days ago I was walking my dog when across the street a young gal was walking her little dog. One I haven't seen before and low and behold, it had a bell on it's collar that sounded just like this sound I've been hearing. I thought, "Ah-ha! There's the source of the bell!!" I thought that just knowing where it came from would be comforting. lol...

As a few more days passed, I realized that the little dog couldn't be the source, unless he was constantly running around and around in his yard. He would have been exhausted for as long as the bell dingled. And then I saw it. Just barely moving. A wind chime. My neighbor directly behind me. A neighbor of a growing list of mild irritants. But that's a whole other story.

So this bell, I mean, chime. I contemplated sneaking over the fence and removing it (hahaa... not really). I thought, should I ask my neighbors to move their chime to the other side of the house so it won't disturb my peaceful surroundings. That all sounded so selfish and uncompromising. But how could I tolerate this "noise"??

Then I realized this morning, as it dingled and grated against my nerves, that it was actually serving me a purpose. It was causing me to be acutely aware of sensory triggers around me. Then I remembered the line from "It's a Wonderful Life", "Every time a bell rings, an Angel gets it's wings". Perhaps this so-called irritating bell was a message, a signal to me from the other side to wake up, to be aware to what they are trying to tell me or get me to hear.

I remembered that my perspective is all that needs to change in order for seemingly unbearable situations to be righted. And that my resistance only made it worse. For me. I also remembered that when things or situations are upsetting or irritants, they happen for a reason. They are there to trigger awareness. Awareness in self... about self.

I've been asking for help regarding "hearing" and "understanding" those from the spirit side, and I accept this just as that.

With much thanks and gratitude, what once sounded irritating now sounds like music. ❤

It's always been the Big Guy!!!

Here's what I really wanted to post about today (but the mom thing popped up and I just had to get that off my chest first).

There was a few lines that popped out at me from the book I was reading last night (Matrix Energetics by Richard Bartlett).

"When you really know, and not just believe that you deserve it, you can have it."

I love this sentence. If you understand what Matrix Energetics is about, this is key. But it's also key in life, in general. Believe vs know. Fine line you might say but I think it's huge.

"... either do, or do not, there is no try."

Another biggie. Like jumping in with both feet. Or Nike's, "Just Do It". No toe dipping, no hair splitting, just do, or do not.

And this next one was the most profound for me. It may not mean much to anyone else but for me it spoke volumes. LOUD volumes. I believe, no wait, that's I KNOW it unhinged a massive door and flung it across and out of the way. It freed me.

"A statement of Jesus comes to mind, who is for me the most powerful archetype for the miracle mind-set. 'I CAN OF MINE OWN SELF DO NOTHING.' Ditto. I'm a perfectly imperfect vessel. God is the healer."

YAY!! I no longer have to be self-conscious about what "I" am doing or if "I" do my sessions well or right or good enough. I've had enough feedback to know that what I do "feels good" and is right that way. I have enough (or maybe more than my share) of ethical standards to know that in THAT way I'm doing stuff right. And I know when I am being led by Spirit (aka God) to do this or that and I trust that part. It was the "healing" part I doubted that I was doing right. But this was an in my face and out loud reminder that it's not me, it's never been ME. It's God and I have total faith and trust in the BIG Guy. He guides me, I do my best to listen, hear and follow, and he does the rest. Whoohoo!!! Piece-o-cake!!!

And I since I also believe that there are no accidents, the fact that I was prompted to post my previous post about moms... and mine, was just as profound and well timed as reading what I read last night. A lifetime of doubt I've had about my self-worth, my progress, my every step forward—fearing that I'll be reprimanded for it being the wrong move, the wrong decision, the wrong direction... even when it's only me in the room...

There was another quote from this book on these two pages I've referred to in this post. It read, simply, "Let go."

Okay. ♥

This was posted by a friend on Facebook:

My mom has made me laugh... wiped my tears... hugged me tight... watched me succeed... seen me fail... cheered me on and kept me strong! Moms are a promise from God that you will have a friend forever!!!! Put this on your status if you love your mom, whether she's here with you or in heaven. ♥


This is how I feel about that:

Not all moms are promises nor friends.

My mom resented my presence and that caused me to doubt my worth. She rarely, if ever, smiled at me, taught me to cry and to punish myself. I can't recall ever getting a hug from her (seriously). She criticized me whether I "succeeded" or failed and almost always made me regret ever sharing my thoughts or feelings with her.

Despite all this (and SOooo much more), I loved her. I've had to look past all this and see that I wasn't the reason for how she behaved toward me. It was her crap. Nonetheless, it still hurt and deeply affected me. A lifetime of undoing the twisted-ness.

I'm very happy for every person in the world who did/does have a loving and caring mom. And I have to admit that even tho my mom, by her own definition "wasn't demonstrative" of her love for me, I also knew that she actually did love and care. But it was a far cry from nurturing or supportive.

God bless all the moms who can show their love and support in a kind and nurturing way. And God, please bless those who can't/couldn't. ♥

"Ooh-ooh-ooooh!"

Just got back from seeing my therapist. I'm SO not done with figuring out this "self-righteous" thing, but each day I'm a step closer. And it's affirming to recognize that ☯ each day I'm a different person than I was from 10 years ago, 5 years ago or even just yesterday. I get a new start each day and I feel all warm and fuzzy since I was credited with the fact that I'm willing and trying each day to be a better person. ♥

Yes, I'm self-righteous. And it has a bad flavor in my mouth no matter how I try to define it. 8^P *ugh*

Therapist: "Every time you get that Ooo-URGE to express what you know to be right (I'm picturing Arnold Horshack on Welcome back, Kotter, as he raises his hand squealing "Ooh-ooh-ooooh!" because he knew the answer), that's an indication that it's about you needing to be right."

Me: "Oh. Shit. Okay."

I have been SOooo guilty of this for so many years. Does my need to be right stem from many, many years of being told how wrong I was, how I was never enough, and in the words of my big brother "fat, lazy, worthless, good for nothing"?? I'm sure. Our session today was in large part about releasing the past that I cling so tightly to. I feel the tension. In the Matrix Energetics demo on Sunday, the practitioner said she saw a padlock at the level of my chest. A dear friend of mine gifted me a cool framed piece of artwork this weekend. It was something in the shape of a heart (a little distorted) with a harp within. I instantly saw a vagina with bars at the opening! lol... No getting in there! I haven't let anyone near my heart for over three years either. And while in therapy and in conversations with my closest friend, I've re-visited my past as if it were just earlier today. AND I recognize that I did it here too (just above). This will take some work. "Letting go... letting go... letting go..."

There's no counting how many times I've needed to make it about me, make everyone know that "Ooh-ooh-ooooh! I've got an answer!!" I know that I've literally raised my hand and squealed just like Horshack, too. I recall doing this, tho, just to share something I find exciting and not necessarily to be right and I don't think that's an issue here. But needing to be right and just "needing" in general has been front and center. Gadz... there is a long road ahead of me. *sigh* BUT. I am still walking and moving forward and trying to make right, make good.

I'm going to do what my therapist suggested. ☯ Stay aware for that trigger of "Ooh-ooh-ooooh!" and ☯ check in with my heart each time I get that feeling. ☯ Is it about me needing to be right? ☯ Is it the other participant's need to be right (in which case any amount of my input won't make a positive difference) and therefore their issue? ☯ Or is it a situation where I might be able to make a positive impact by offering welcome information or suggestions? ☯ Keyword: welcome. And knowing that it is welcome is best understood by being requested.

I'll get this. Eventually. ;-D

☯ - key points for me to remember...

Self-Righteous? Me?

On more than one occasion I've been told that I am "self-righteous". I've always assumed that this label is meant as a bad thing, especially since it was most often said in an accusing, derogatory and/or defaming tone.

I've wondered if "they" (my accusers and a few friends that agreed with them) were right or not. I wondered when, in judging me, if THEY were being self-righteous in doing so. I wondered if being self-righteous was really a bad thing.

As I often do, I decided to consult the dictionary:

self-right·eous

[self-rahy-chuhs]

–adjective

confident of one's own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others.

Yes, I can be confident at times. There are a few (very few) areas that I feel securely confident and when performing in those areas I feel so incredibly strong. I can't name them because it's in those very same areas, that when critiqued or judged, I wither. I literally fucking crumble (I say "fucking" because it frustrates me to no end that I can't just stand strong regardless of who is watching). It's as if I can only be strong and confident when nobody who will be judging me is watching.

I can, however, confidently acknowledge that I have more courage than confidence so I push myself to feel confident, even when not. More often, tho, I'm less than confident in general about my abilities, my strengths, my talents, skills, knowledge, etc., but I am trying desperately to BE more confident in myself. "Smug"? I really don't see myself as smug. "Intolerant of the behavior of others"? In cases of what I might consider is less than ethical or virtuous behavior, ABSOLUTELY. If someone blatantly breaks the rules of "the game" or of "the road" and thereby doesn't give someone a fair chance or puts someone at risk, YES, I am intolerant of that behavior. If I see a person mistreating another person, YES, I am intolerant of that behavior. I suppose this is an area that I am THE MOST confident in and have had very little trouble calling the offender on the misdeed. Ironically, for this act (of calling out the misdoer), I have been labeled as being "disrespectful". My doing this act of standing up for the little guy, or for defending the cause of the whole, or for promoting the notion of peace and harmony or just for defending and upholding ethics for the sake of maintaining a standard of ethics and morals has been criticized and judged as being disrespectful. And by those closest and most dear to me. Fuck (again with frustration!).

Yes, unfairness, unjust behavior, bullying, etc., triggers intolerance in me. But am I intolerant of other's opinions? I don't think so. I may not agree with every one's opinions but I recognize that they are entitled to their own view on things. For instance, I don't agree that getting in the face of someone whose disregard and careless actions that negatively affect and/or reflect on several other innocent bystanders as being disrespectful but anyone who thinks differently is entitled to their own opinion.

Far too often, however, others are not content with just presenting their own opinions. They want those they are telling them to to share the same opinions they have. It is when these individuals are insistent upon others (and me) to accept and believe THEIR opinions as truth, or when their opinions affect me in some way that I feel violates my space or me personally, yes, I am intolerant of this practice. To each his own, I say. But... do I behave this way? I think I do but maybe others see my actions differently. Or maybe it's obvious to everyone but me.

I know that I have my opinions. I also know that I've offered them when they weren't requested. "My bad". This is Earth School and I know I'm not perfect but I'm here and willing to learn. But was my unsolicited offering really bad? Many, many times when I did that very same thing I was thanked profusely for providing a different perspective. Offering my opinion or shedding light on a different way of perceiving a situation or circumstance was welcomed and as it seemed in those instances, clearly needed. So I find myself, sometimes, in a perplexing position. But, maybe it's not as perplexing as I think... because as a fellow student/teacher in life (and I believe we are ALL students AND teachers equally) I understand that some lessons or awarenesses are not always accepted graciously or with ease. I can recall a number of lessons that I vehemently denied only to later humbly accept.

If everything happens for a reason (which I also firmly believe), then could it be that the nudging I get inside to speak out, to offer my thoughts or perspective is by divine guidance? That's not arrogance speaking. I believe that Spirit (God, Jesus, Angels, all of the above or whatever your belief is) speaks to all of us and guides us. Someone might not like to hear what I offer but perhaps my words plant a seed that will, in time, take root as a new awareness the next time someone else makes a similar comment to them. Or maybe someone before me already planted the seed and my comment is one of the follow-up reminders. That's how it has seemed to work when I get certain awarenesses. "That's the third time someone told me that this week! I better spend some reflection time on that!!"

After reading the definition of "self-righteous" I became curious about the word "righteous" wondering if that is a bad thing? So I looked it up, too.

right·eous

[rahy-chuhs]

–adjective

1. characterized by uprightness or morality: a righteous observance of the law.

2. morally right or justifiable: righteous indignation.

3. acting in an upright, moral way; virtuous: a righteous and godly person.

4. Slang . absolutely genuine or wonderful: some righteous playing by a jazz great.

–noun

5. the righteous, (used with a plural verb) righteous persons collectively.

It was only a week ago that I ever so boldly defined myself, in a requested exercise, as "virtuous", "moral", and "genuine". It was, as I understood, accepted by the group as good and honorable to see these things in myself. But (and this is where it gets confusing) apparently outside of a group (where we give ourselves permission to see the good aspects of our character), it's NOT okay to conduct one's self as if one possess these good, honorable, and even lovely traits.

Perhaps the individuals that make the judgment that I am self-righteous are really seeing themselves in me at that moment. I understand that this is the process of how we act as mirrors for each other. I've been told that we cannot see in someone else that which we don't possess ourselves. I can admit that I can be self-righteous. Absolutely. I laugh and joke that, "Well damn it, I AM right!!" And I am. I am right to feel and believe that my opinion is right for me. Nobody else has to assume my opinion. You can have your own. I can have mine. And we can BOTH right. I don't understand, however, how owning this in one's self is wrong. Or bad. Or something that should warrant a brow beating (no matter how gentle or compassionately it is offered).

I can, with absolute certainty, say that those that have said they believe me to be self-righteous, are indeed self-righteous themselves. That's not saying anything negative or derogatory about them or their character. I see them as very confident in what they say, what they know, what they feel and what they believe to be right. The education, the experience, the wisdom, the grace, the intuition each possesses affords them the "right" to be self-righteous. The only fault in being self-righteous, as I see it, lies within judging anyone else to be wrong for not sharing the same belief of "rightness".

In a recent conversation with a friend on this subject she remarked that I was "very defensive" about the self-righteous thing. I paused and realized, I am. I've already acknowledged that I know I am self-righteous. Not all the time but certainly about things I feel are right. This is acknowledging that I also know I'm not right on everything and can own up to it. So why do I feel so defensive when someone tells me I'm self-righteous (or even disrespectful)? I believe it stems from frustration. In trying to find my confidence, to trust my strengths or when owning what I feel is most reliably strong in me, I hear these judgments and feel shot down. Reliably. It really sucks. It's as if my contract with the Universe states that "the MOMENT I experience any confidence or the second I trust my next step forward, have someone, anyone throw a stink bomb at me so I learn to essentially trust no one and believe no one but myself."

Well, there ya go! Maybe that's it in a nutshell. Anyone else's opinion, should it differ from mine, should be simply set in the "Okay, that's how they feel" file, not in the "OMG someone thinks less of me than I do, therefore I need to shift my confidence from supporting me and my opinions and invest it in them and their opinions" file. Gadz, putting it that way makes me feel silly for ever putting stock in what others think of me. I shall, effective immediately, BURN that file! lol... From here on out, me, myself and my own opinions are my primary investment. I can and will continue to look at, listen to, and give consideration to the opinions of others but ultimately it's my opinion that will carry the deciding vote. So what if that makes me self-righteous! What you think shouldn't be an issue for me, and conversely, what I think shouldn't be an issue for anyone so why name me?! My guess is that it's our egos that are ruffled, offended, hurt, or feel "shot down" and it's our egos that have the need to point a finger and say anything less than supportive or tolerant.

To each his/her own. Live and let live. Or perhaps as Paul McCartney says; "Live and Let Die" (which I take to mean; to live my life my way and let all the rest fall away without derailing or draining me). That works.

((hugs))

Me... ♫♪ and my Shadow ♬♪

As I walked around the block with my Shadow (my dog, lol... but also, my "Shadow" in literal terms), I had a revelation. It's not a new one, because I HAVE had this understanding before.

I am not just a powerful person, but a VERY powerful, wise and magnanimous being. BIG. HUGE. BRILLIANT. In many ways. Positive ways. And I think it scares the crap outta me. I take that back... I KNOW it scares me. And if my magnanimous-ness does that to me, then no wonder I've had a history of walking into a room without having met anyone in the room and they all instantly "hated" me (true confessions from "them" after they got to know me). There are many that never got to know me but as an empath, I felt their contempt. Contempt, which I later figured out was jealousy, envy, resentment, etc... which boils down to fear. And it's all regarding their own issues about themselves.

I sure wish I knew about all this when I was much, much younger. I could have saved myself a LOT of heartache and grief. Being an empath without KNOWING what that was or meant for me, I felt EVERYTHING. And of course I took it on to be my own feelings. Learning about this was, as Oprah says, my "light bulb moment". But even so, it's still taken me a long time to get it in a practical way. Day to day is MUCH different than textbook.

And hey, I know that I don't know everything, and I'm no scholar which makes owning this about myself challenging. Yes, I am intelligent but not as educated as I would have liked. However, there are certain subjects that I have no interest in. Others that, regrettably, I avoided simply because my mother shamed me for not knowing and I rebelled by "not being interested" in learning about them at all. Silly but it is what it is. Those subjects are history and geography. Those were her favorites and she was good at them. She expected me to be too, but I rebelled. Also, my recall isn't like some. My ex used to be able to recite the news and sound very intelligent and informed. I had no interest in the news. It was so depressing and energetically draining. I didn't know at the time why I didn't want to watch it or absorb it like he did but my sensitive, empathic system couldn't tolerate it. He shamed me for not being concerned (which isn't true). I took on all the shame and it's really hard work to shake their ideals. But I'm really working on it. I had a friend that seemed sensitive to my sensitivities, until I learned that she considered it a weakness and faulted me for it, too.

It's tricky business being intimidatingly powerful whilst being empathically sensitive to the energies of everything around you.

Something was said to me about being empathic and the correlation of that with being overweight. I've heard this before too and have noticed that most of the men and women that I know (not all, of course) that work with energy and are sensitive to intuition have a few extra pounds of weight. For me, I noticed that my extra pounds have been added and maintained as protection. Protection, I thought, from my verbally abusive ex husbands, my abusive family and un-supportive or even abusive "friends". While I think I was protecting myself from these people/relationships, it had more to do with the empathic-ness of the situations.

I put on weight once when I was 19. I simply didn't want to feel the "hunger pangs" which I later have learned were gut or solar plexus sensations that I couldn't deal with. I ate. The "pain" was generating from that general area so it makes total sense that I would confuse the sensations. I effectively numbed myself after that with drugs, alcohol and sex/relationships/drama until I became pregnant with my second child. I stopped using all those things to numb but didn't realize I had been numbing. Not really. That is when I really noticed for the first time how incredibly "sensitive" I was. How empathic. I was napping one afternoon and woke suddenly with the most dreadful, fearful sorrow and I wept all afternoon and the strangest thing was that I knew it had nothing to do with me. My husband said it was just probably hormones from being pregnant. That evening the news reported a plane crash where hundreds were killed and the time (with time zone differences) worked out to be exactly when I woke in tears. There were many other things. I had no support and I know that my husband thought I had a few screws loose. I didn't share with him HALF of what I experienced. It was lonely and scary for me. I digress...

So... the weight I gained during pregnancy has stayed with me since. I don't numb anymore, not like I used to. My drugs of choice these days are food, TV, computer, and shopping. With this understanding of how the weight got there and why it's stayed is actually a relief and comforting. My body hasn't been defying me. It's been protecting me.

All this time I've been looking outwardly for support and protection and all the time, all these years, it's been right here. With me. Me and my Shadow.

"The-my"

The compilation of all the voices I've heard in my life. The echos in my head. I, like many others, have gotten SO used to hearing the things said to me that now that nobody in particular is saying them, "I" say them... in my head. I've picked up where "they" have left off. Echos of others, in my voice, in my head. The "my" Voice. "The-my".

I felt myself almost totally crumble the other night. A rattling experience. I like to be in control of myself. But, I'm trusting that if I crumble I won't literally "fall apart". I used to be expected to always be in control of my emotions. Don't show them. "Don't cry." "Quit acting like a two-year old." "I'll give you something to cry about!" "Don't be a baby." Many of us have heard those things.

Sooo many years of conditioning. Everyone has their idea of what mold I ought to fit into. How I should act. How I should dress or coiffe my hair. How I should talk; what I should say and shouldn't say. I've been told I'm too wordy. Not social enough or too outgoing. Too intense. Too detailed. The list is endless and spoken by everyone. My parents. My siblings. My grandparents. My friends. My husbands. My boyfriends. My bosses and co-workers. The number of those that actually accept me for who I am are very, very few. I'm slowly learning to trust those and then myself around them. Can I be who I am and not told to stick within a guideline to be accepted? To be embraced? Must I, really? I'm sorry... but I'm not (sorry), because I've gotta be me. If I don't honor that, who will?

This is something I've come to learn about in the last few years. Acceptance. Of myself, of others and all our needs. If our needs don't jive, fine. I can accept that but don't try to make me fit into your mold of what is acceptable and I won't do that to you. It seems to be a hit and miss thing but I've got to be steadfast with it.

Driving down the road tonight I realized how much, throughout my life, others have wanted me to fit in an idea of what they thought was normal, acceptable. I know that I've always liked to be just outside that norm. One foot in, one foot out. However, in the interest of having friends, being accepted, being loved, supported, etc., I've usually submitted to fitting "in". I thought of how singers, for instance, are noticed and advance in their careers... by standing out, by being original, having a different sound or look or approach to perfoming. These oddities, these differences are admired. Encouraged. I imagine that their self-esteems must be really high to take the obvious number of bashings they must've received before getting their wierdness or strange or out of the norm behavior accepted and applauded. I want that feeling. Being applauded, loved and accepted for being ME and how I am. Strange or not. Fitting the "norm" or not. For what I know and for what I don't care about. "All any feeling wants is to be welcomed with tenderness. It wants room to unfold. It wants to relax and tell its story."** That's all I want, too. For me. To be welcomed. To have room to unfold. To tell my story or my feelings and to be heard and accepted without conditions.

I try to present myself, find my strength, feel some confidence. I assert myself, not selfishly but with consideration and damn it if someone doesn't like it, is threatened or offended or whatever and I'm told I'm wrong. Self-righteous. Conceded. Disrespectful. Or reminded to color within the lines.

I wonder if it is that I want to be loved and accepted by those that "I" love and accept but see that they can't return it in kind, for whatever reason. I had two parents and two brothers. My mother and my oldest brother had all kinds of criticisms, judgements and rejection to offer. No hugs. No acceptance. No warmth. My father and my other brother never really had anything bad to say about or to me (well, Dad sure gave me zero acceptance and THE hardest, most miserable time about my grades every report card but not much else other than that) but who did I cry over? Who did I NEEEEED love and acceptance from? Why couldn't I have accepted back then that my mother and oldest brother's needs didn't jive with mine and forget about it?? Because she was my mom and he was my big brother and I loved them. But look how I've hurt myself with this. I've learned how to let go of every other kind of relationship that wasn't blending well but those two were key players. Tough nuts.

This song by Alanis Morissette says it, "Perfect" (3:33 min):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_1BQRAkcyc

What is profound for me in the book, "Women, Food and God", is on page 132... how the Voice, even though it is clearly not my friend, it was "created" as protection. The voice "usurps your strength, passion and energy", "is merciless, ravaging, life destroying", "makes you feel so weak, so paralyzed, so incompetent that you wouldn't dare question (it's) authority", yet... "...it kept you from being rejected by those you depend on." "...it's intent is to keep you from being thrown out of whatever it perceives as the circle of love."

Fascinating.

Tomorrow I go see my hypnotherapist to see if I can re-program some of the messages of The Voice, "The-my" in my head. I want to make friends with The-my. She had good intentions, but I think she clung onto things we (me, myself and The-my) don't need anymore.

From page 139, I choose to "live as if"... live as if I'm smart enough, live as if I'm pretty enough, live as if I am good enough, live as if I'm good and loveable and acceptable... just as I am.

** Women, Food and God —by Geneen Roth

So in re-reading the second part of the book, "Women, Food and God", I experienced an "A-HA!!". Then I realized something... Number one; I should re-read books more often. Either my memory is going, fast, or I am sinking deeper into the book and all that I need to be getting out of it.

My aha was profound. Aren't they all? I saw that the first time, when I was 19, that I gained weight was tied into some emotions I never dealt with. Couldn't deal with at the time. Just TOO emotional. Too hard. I wasn't a wimp by any means. It was a lot for a young girl to have to deal with, even tho "I" was the one holding the deck.

At that time I gained about 15-20 lbs and realized I had this funny/silly notion that if I felt a hunger pang, my life would collapse. "I" would collapse. I didn't know why I had this notion and once I recognized it, I didn't care to explore. I didn't know there was anything in there to explore. But I've learned about that now. And I see what I couldn't face or deal with then. I have a hard time, now, dealing with the tears. They won't stop. No wonder I couldn't allow myself to feel a pain in my stomach, which I was actually confusing for a hunger pang. So I stuffed and ate and swallowed. I numbed and numbed and numbed.

I know, now, that this is why I drank, did drugs, and did basically anything that would distract me from this central feeling. And I know, now, since I don't drink or use drugs or even have a partner (to dump on??) why it is difficult to feel my confidence, my strength, my legs or feet. I'm working on it. And I know I am strong enough to deal with it. And I now know that I'm not alone.

In Gratitude...

Each day...

‎"Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
And be fearless, like a stone."

—Author Unknown for sure... so I gave it my own little twist. ♥

Turn and face the strange...

"Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange..."

Seems apropos so far...

"I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same...

"Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I'm going through

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strange)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Pretty soon now you're gonna get older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time"

So I'm not alone. What I've gone through, what I have been experiencing in my life is just like what everyone else does. Sorta. And THIS rock 'n roller is getting older so Bowie MUST be prophetic... or brilliant. Or both. Ha!

I think it's probably common place to think that we are "the only ones that..." or, to speak for myself, that I suffer (??) in my very own, special, one-of-a-kind existences that nobody else experiences. "Turn and face the strange"... could this mean "me"? Or just what's outside the/my box? Change is growth. Change is different, or "strange" I guess. And the aspect of myself that "I've never caught a glimpse" of or been brave enough to embrace could be my "strange".

Back in the late 70's, early 80's... before HIV/AIDS was publicly known about, the "hunt for some strange" was mildly common between me and my co-huntress/roommate/gf. It was exciting to go out, explore unknown territory, to find an exciting partner, even if only for one night. We figured it was commonplace for men to do, why not us? Thankfully we emerged from that mindset safely and unharmed. But to consider that "thrill" that we sought... of something strange. I'd like to embrace that now. Not sexually. Not unsafely. Not unprepared or recklessly. But bravely explore my world, looking for and willing to see, to turn and face the strange.

I am not alone. We are one. I think we all feel the same, for the most part. Barbara Plummer of Romper Room used to look through her magic mirror and see us all... by name. I think I'll use my own magic to see the world. Will I catch a glimpse of my own reflection? I expect I will... in the mirrors of all the souls in the world.

God Bless

Step One.

Realizing that one of the blocks that has kept me from moving forward is the strong need to heal myself first. "Physician, heal thyself."

How can I expect to be of service to others when I feel in need of healing first.

Do I feel broken? and thereby unqualified to lend a healing hand to others?

What makes me think that I have any business assisting others when I have my own issues?

Or, perhaps, is it those issues that does qualify me?

I think, from somewhere, I have the opinion that those in the healing profession are, or at the very least SHOULD be, beyond the issues they assist others with. I'm not going to feel comfortable going to an overweight "professional" to address my overweight issues. I don't have much confidence in a health professional that hasn't gotten a handle on her own issues that I'd be going to her for my own and same issues.

I suppose a Reiki practitioner would be different in the sense that a Reiki Master is not a physician. A healer, yes, but not a God, not that physicians are Gods. A Reiki practitioner is merely a conduit to the energies of Source, or God. Why is it that I haven't felt qualified to channel this energy... for a fee? Maybe I've felt I need to do more. Reiki isn't something you can see. It's not "tangible" but it is powerful. Perhaps all it is is that I haven't allowed myself to trust it. Trust in the healing power of Reiki. It's much like the healing power of prayer. Of miracles. Of God. Of Source. Of the Universe. The short definition of Reiki is "Universal Life Force Energy" and to have that powerful healing energy streaming through me to another is sometimes hard for me to accept but at the same time incredibly powerful to experience. Maybe it's because it feels so natural, almost common place, that I lack the respect I should have for it. Why is that?? Maybe it's the conditioning I've received from our society on what is believable or acceptable. Perhaps if I wholeheartedly believe and embrace it, I would become dependent or expectant of it. Can't I just let it be? Allow. Accept. Be in the moment. Be in the Now. Believe. Let go and let God.

Perhaps, just maybe, I'm not broken. I know I'm not perfect. Growing up I know it was expected that I should be, or strive to be perfect... but yet, on some level I know I'm not supposed to be. Perhaps I should stop trying to be perfect. Or is it that I'm trying to be broken? A perfect distraction. Is it a perfect example of "bolting"?... from my calling? from Source? from Self? Can I face it? Stay with it? Walk into and with it? Can I embrace the powerful healer within? Own her? Wear her? Share her?

Yes. God help me.