So in re-reading the second part of the book, "Women, Food and God", I experienced an "A-HA!!". Then I realized something... Number one; I should re-read books more often. Either my memory is going, fast, or I am sinking deeper into the book and all that I need to be getting out of it.

My aha was profound. Aren't they all? I saw that the first time, when I was 19, that I gained weight was tied into some emotions I never dealt with. Couldn't deal with at the time. Just TOO emotional. Too hard. I wasn't a wimp by any means. It was a lot for a young girl to have to deal with, even tho "I" was the one holding the deck.

At that time I gained about 15-20 lbs and realized I had this funny/silly notion that if I felt a hunger pang, my life would collapse. "I" would collapse. I didn't know why I had this notion and once I recognized it, I didn't care to explore. I didn't know there was anything in there to explore. But I've learned about that now. And I see what I couldn't face or deal with then. I have a hard time, now, dealing with the tears. They won't stop. No wonder I couldn't allow myself to feel a pain in my stomach, which I was actually confusing for a hunger pang. So I stuffed and ate and swallowed. I numbed and numbed and numbed.

I know, now, that this is why I drank, did drugs, and did basically anything that would distract me from this central feeling. And I know, now, since I don't drink or use drugs or even have a partner (to dump on??) why it is difficult to feel my confidence, my strength, my legs or feet. I'm working on it. And I know I am strong enough to deal with it. And I now know that I'm not alone.

In Gratitude...