Friday, August 27, 2010

Me... ♫♪ and my Shadow ♬♪

As I walked around the block with my Shadow (my dog, lol... but also, my "Shadow" in literal terms), I had a revelation. It's not a new one, because I HAVE had this understanding before.

I am not just a powerful person, but a VERY powerful, wise and magnanimous being. BIG. HUGE. BRILLIANT. In many ways. Positive ways. And I think it scares the crap outta me. I take that back... I KNOW it scares me. And if my magnanimous-ness does that to me, then no wonder I've had a history of walking into a room without having met anyone in the room and they all instantly "hated" me (true confessions from "them" after they got to know me). There are many that never got to know me but as an empath, I felt their contempt. Contempt, which I later figured out was jealousy, envy, resentment, etc... which boils down to fear. And it's all regarding their own issues about themselves.

I sure wish I knew about all this when I was much, much younger. I could have saved myself a LOT of heartache and grief. Being an empath without KNOWING what that was or meant for me, I felt EVERYTHING. And of course I took it on to be my own feelings. Learning about this was, as Oprah says, my "light bulb moment". But even so, it's still taken me a long time to get it in a practical way. Day to day is MUCH different than textbook.

And hey, I know that I don't know everything, and I'm no scholar which makes owning this about myself challenging. Yes, I am intelligent but not as educated as I would have liked. However, there are certain subjects that I have no interest in. Others that, regrettably, I avoided simply because my mother shamed me for not knowing and I rebelled by "not being interested" in learning about them at all. Silly but it is what it is. Those subjects are history and geography. Those were her favorites and she was good at them. She expected me to be too, but I rebelled. Also, my recall isn't like some. My ex used to be able to recite the news and sound very intelligent and informed. I had no interest in the news. It was so depressing and energetically draining. I didn't know at the time why I didn't want to watch it or absorb it like he did but my sensitive, empathic system couldn't tolerate it. He shamed me for not being concerned (which isn't true). I took on all the shame and it's really hard work to shake their ideals. But I'm really working on it. I had a friend that seemed sensitive to my sensitivities, until I learned that she considered it a weakness and faulted me for it, too.

It's tricky business being intimidatingly powerful whilst being empathically sensitive to the energies of everything around you.

Something was said to me about being empathic and the correlation of that with being overweight. I've heard this before too and have noticed that most of the men and women that I know (not all, of course) that work with energy and are sensitive to intuition have a few extra pounds of weight. For me, I noticed that my extra pounds have been added and maintained as protection. Protection, I thought, from my verbally abusive ex husbands, my abusive family and un-supportive or even abusive "friends". While I think I was protecting myself from these people/relationships, it had more to do with the empathic-ness of the situations.

I put on weight once when I was 19. I simply didn't want to feel the "hunger pangs" which I later have learned were gut or solar plexus sensations that I couldn't deal with. I ate. The "pain" was generating from that general area so it makes total sense that I would confuse the sensations. I effectively numbed myself after that with drugs, alcohol and sex/relationships/drama until I became pregnant with my second child. I stopped using all those things to numb but didn't realize I had been numbing. Not really. That is when I really noticed for the first time how incredibly "sensitive" I was. How empathic. I was napping one afternoon and woke suddenly with the most dreadful, fearful sorrow and I wept all afternoon and the strangest thing was that I knew it had nothing to do with me. My husband said it was just probably hormones from being pregnant. That evening the news reported a plane crash where hundreds were killed and the time (with time zone differences) worked out to be exactly when I woke in tears. There were many other things. I had no support and I know that my husband thought I had a few screws loose. I didn't share with him HALF of what I experienced. It was lonely and scary for me. I digress...

So... the weight I gained during pregnancy has stayed with me since. I don't numb anymore, not like I used to. My drugs of choice these days are food, TV, computer, and shopping. With this understanding of how the weight got there and why it's stayed is actually a relief and comforting. My body hasn't been defying me. It's been protecting me.

All this time I've been looking outwardly for support and protection and all the time, all these years, it's been right here. With me. Me and my Shadow.

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