Monday, August 30, 2010


Just got back from seeing my therapist. I'm SO not done with figuring out this "self-righteous" thing, but each day I'm a step closer. And it's affirming to recognize that ☯ each day I'm a different person than I was from 10 years ago, 5 years ago or even just yesterday. I get a new start each day and I feel all warm and fuzzy since I was credited with the fact that I'm willing and trying each day to be a better person. ♥

Yes, I'm self-righteous. And it has a bad flavor in my mouth no matter how I try to define it. 8^P *ugh*

Therapist: "Every time you get that Ooo-URGE to express what you know to be right (I'm picturing Arnold Horshack on Welcome back, Kotter, as he raises his hand squealing "Ooh-ooh-ooooh!" because he knew the answer), that's an indication that it's about you needing to be right."

Me: "Oh. Shit. Okay."

I have been SOooo guilty of this for so many years. Does my need to be right stem from many, many years of being told how wrong I was, how I was never enough, and in the words of my big brother "fat, lazy, worthless, good for nothing"?? I'm sure. Our session today was in large part about releasing the past that I cling so tightly to. I feel the tension. In the Matrix Energetics demo on Sunday, the practitioner said she saw a padlock at the level of my chest. A dear friend of mine gifted me a cool framed piece of artwork this weekend. It was something in the shape of a heart (a little distorted) with a harp within. I instantly saw a vagina with bars at the opening! lol... No getting in there! I haven't let anyone near my heart for over three years either. And while in therapy and in conversations with my closest friend, I've re-visited my past as if it were just earlier today. AND I recognize that I did it here too (just above). This will take some work. "Letting go... letting go... letting go..."

There's no counting how many times I've needed to make it about me, make everyone know that "Ooh-ooh-ooooh! I've got an answer!!" I know that I've literally raised my hand and squealed just like Horshack, too. I recall doing this, tho, just to share something I find exciting and not necessarily to be right and I don't think that's an issue here. But needing to be right and just "needing" in general has been front and center. Gadz... there is a long road ahead of me. *sigh* BUT. I am still walking and moving forward and trying to make right, make good.

I'm going to do what my therapist suggested. ☯ Stay aware for that trigger of "Ooh-ooh-ooooh!" and ☯ check in with my heart each time I get that feeling. ☯ Is it about me needing to be right? ☯ Is it the other participant's need to be right (in which case any amount of my input won't make a positive difference) and therefore their issue? ☯ Or is it a situation where I might be able to make a positive impact by offering welcome information or suggestions? ☯ Keyword: welcome. And knowing that it is welcome is best understood by being requested.

I'll get this. Eventually. ;-D

☯ - key points for me to remember...

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